Top o’ the Mornin’ to Ya!
TLDR: Seek first to understand means asking probing questions and digging deep to fully grasp someone’s situation before trying to give advice or solutions – because nobody cares what you have to say until they know how much you care.
We’re in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People series. I’m just talking from my memories – I haven’t recently read it, but it’s such a powerful book I decided to present it to you.
Today’s habit is “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
What?
I have a tendency to get a little bit of information and pretend that it’s enough information. When I’m parenting, when I’m husbanding, when I’m helping somebody out, I think “Oh, I’m so smart. I’m so wise, I understand.”
And I go straight to being understood – giving them what I think they need without fully understanding their situation.
Seek first to understand is really asking those probing questions, digging in on those questions, trying to maybe even draw the solution out of the person that’s having the challenge, or the person you’re talking to or sharing with, or just having a relationship with.
I think that’s where it gets hard too – when we’re married or just doing this thing, not solving a problem but just going on with the status quo, living life. A good part of living life would be to incorporate this habit more. To bring our/my work professionalism into all my interactions.
Why?
That’s a hint for me today, really looking at seeking first to understand. We have an 11-year-old who’s ready to be a teenager. She’s beautiful, nice, loving, giving, kind, but every once in a while she shuts off a little bit.
It’s like I’m seeking to understand, but I don’t have the rapport to get through the shell. I’m looking for those opportunities to strengthen and extend that relationship as a father so that when we get to the real teenager years, I can use this habit more effectively.
I need to make sure I have a full understanding – even asking questions without an agenda, questions to expand the thought of the person I’m trying to understand, but more so to make sure I understand, to make sure I hear and they feel heard.
Lesson
I need to reach the limits of their thoughts or their understanding at the time and wrap my head around all of it, fully understand them before going to my side and telling them my understanding.
That’s the key word right there – “telling.” Don’t be telling. Telling’s not how to be understood.
When I was in my teaching education, I remember one of the most impactful quotes: “A good teacher doesn’t tell you what he sees. He has you stand next to him and see for yourself.”
That’s the kind of understanding – instead of telling from your own perspective, saying “Hey, my experience has been…” which doesn’t go over the greatest with parenting all the time.
Maybe even letting go of some of that “to be understood” part sometimes in order to connect better.
Apply
One of the famous quotes in our industry is “Nobody cares what you have to say until they know how much you care.”
If we can really build that rapport and that “seek to understand” foundation, then we can contribute, add love, and grow that person and help them become a more effective person.
Think about your relationships – with your spouse, children, colleagues, friends. Are you quick to give advice, or do you first seek to truly understand their perspective? Are you asking probing questions to get to the heart of what they’re experiencing? Or asking questions to drive your agenda?
The next time someone brings you a problem or shares something with you, resist the urge to immediately provide solutions. Instead, ask questions like “Help me understand…” or “What does that feel like?” or “Tell me more about that.”
Seek first to understand by listening not just to their words, but to their heart. Then, when you’ve truly understood, you’ll have earned the right to be understood… and it’s not a “right”.
How can you practice seeking first to understand in your most important relationships this week? Share your thoughts in the Doobly Doo below!
You be blessed!
Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood
